How much of our life is predetermined?
And how much can be influenced by our focus and will?
I was told years ago by a Chinese astrologer that my fate around having children was - to put it lightly - “very conflicted.” (Understatement of the century!)
This insight was 100% consistent with my hormones, menstrual cycle, and fertility at the point in my life when I was actually ready to start trying to get pregnant.
How I got pregnant naturally with almost everything in my physical reality stacked against me is literally a MIRACLE!
Here we are with my beautiful son who recently turned 4.
He is one of my strongest reminders of the power of intention and prayer.
I inherited infertility challenges from the women in my lineage.
My mother’s mother had cervical cancer at age 65.
My grandmother’s sister was unable to have children even though she desperately wanted them.
My mother tried for a few years to get pregnant.
She even got acupuncture back in the 70s.
She and my Dad finally gave up and took their savings for having a baby and spent it on a beautiful vacation in Hawaii. That’s when my Mom got pregnant with my brother.
Six months after he was born, my Mom, afraid her window to have another baby was closing, was luckily able to get pregnant with me. Then she went into premature ovarian failure at 35.
From my first menstrual cycle, there was nothing but pain and confusion. This is what actually brought me to the healing path because of the healing I needed.
I wasn’t satisfied with Western medicine’s approach for me with MDs saying in essence, “let’s just turn off your body processes that aren’t working and numb you out so you don’t have to feel the pain.”
So at 15, I became a seeker of my own healing.
Yoga, meditation, eating whole foods, herbal medicine, nature, ceremonial work, prayer, acupuncture, craniosacral therapy, massage, qi gong, tai ji, martial arts, art therapy, and music therapy became my teachers and healers. I learned and grew so much.
And my ovaries had their own timeline.
My blood work at age 33 made me look post-menopausal. My cycles were super irregular coming every 1-4 months. I had raging hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, huge dips in my energy and mood and my focus was pretty weak.
After seeing endocrinologists, multiple OBGYNs, working with my own healing for decades around my menstrual cycle and embodied sexuality, doing acupuncture and craniosacral therapy, meditating, eating really clean, doing yoga, qi gong and martial arts, I was told by one OBGYN, “I’m sorry to have to be the one to break this to you, I don’t think you would be able to get pregnant, even with IVF.”
Hearing that crushed me. My hopes and dreams of being a mother and having a family of my own were pronounced dead on the spot.
These dreams I held so tenderly in my heart ever since I was a very young girl.
It felt like they were part of my identity, woven into the very fabric of who I envisioned I was and who I would become. The tears came and just kept flowing.
A few weeks later, I took an at home pregnancy test, more out of habit than anything else since my menstrual cycle had gotten so irregular.
The test turned positive! Could it really be? I called my OBGYN to tell her the news. She was in complete disbelief but indulged me in doing a blood test. Yup. Definitely pregnant!
It felt literally miraculous. I’m not sure what the statistics were, but it was almost impossible odds. ALMOST.
The most ironic thing (that gets me every time I think about it to this day) - I was already pregnant when I was told I would never be able to conceive.
Not only did I have the potential to realize one of my deepest dreams, I had already achieved that dream when the “ultimate experts” were there to remind me I didn’t have the power to do anything to create the life I wanted. (The irony!!!)
I get it. MDs are very hesitant to speak about anything that is not grounded in research (and hopefully they are up on the latest solid research). And I respect that. That is the role of a traditional MD. And, I wish MDs would be more comfortable telling the whole truth: that they don’t have all the answers and there is sometimes more at work than can be seen on labs.
What did this teach me?
✨ To listen to my own wisdom.
✨ The immense power of intention and prayer.
✨ The potency of being committed to doing my own healing work.
✨ Transformation is possible (& inevitable!) with a regular personal practice using healing modalities that support the body’s internal self-regulating and self-healing potential. (like acupuncture, craniosacral therapy, meditation, qi gong, yoga, mantra, and many others)
✨ To lean into the feelings, even the most painful, uncomfortable ones because they hold the key to unlock our “own medicine”. To open us more and more to who we truly are and who we are meant to be.
✨ Sometimes our challenges have a unique way of drawing out our strength and bringing more clarity to what we are here to do in this life.
✨ There is a certain amount of fate, destiny, genetic predisposition & God/Goddess or universe (or however we choose to conceptualize the profound mystery) and the strong tendencies we have. AND we are able to influence the course our life takes.
✨ We have the power to choose how we respond to life and how we digest our experiences.
What do you want to co-create in your life?
What intentions do you want to amplify for your own healing?
When things feel too stuck, seem too big or intimidating to do it alone, get support!
I love holding space for possibility while being grounded in research, too!
Why not get the best of both worlds?!
I just birthed an amazing new program where we will be playing with the full potential of our power to create the life we want to live.
The group is limited in size so we can dive deep together and I can personally support each phenomenal human in strengthening their ability to cultivate their own healing magic.
Message me if you have any questions and want to chat.
I am so excited for what you can create!
And for what we can create together!